“How do you handle a child who is very gifted musically but hates it? My 13 year old son hates to practice and has no real desire or motivation to excel, but has a talent and I hate to see it wasted. Any suggestions would be helpful and appreciated. I believe it will help him and others in so many ways.”

We put the question to our panel of parents and here’s what they said:

My daughter does not have the desire to play perfectly (we call her “Miss good enough”) so she would never make it as a musician. We have nagged her enough to get her to a level where she can play with others, which is what she enjoys. I think by age 13 it will be very difficult to force a child to practice, especially if they do not already have a level of facility on the instrument. Pushing too hard at that age will just turn them off completely.

-Jasmine Moghissi (mother of Dominic Favia, trumpet, Show 215)

Barbara Nakazawa, mother of Show 092 cellist Josh, suggests:

Have your child enroll in a chamber music class. It’s true that band and orchestra are fun and social, but with chamber music you have to really know your individual part and listen to the other players. Sometimes it’s important to let go of telling your child to practice but find ways to know that they are learning and growing musically. They will not want to let the group down and will prepare their part. It is most important to let them find pleasure and magic in music. Chamber music is that magic.

Katherine Tobey (pianist Cynthia, Show 098) encourages integrating music into other parts of family life:

Try to bring him to live concerts and/or his peer’s recitals in order to continue interest in his proper instrument studies. In my opinion, a 13 year old is in the process of going through physiological/physical/emotional/social changes. Parents need to be extremely patient, observant, and nurturing of the child’s musical interest.

Naomi Aldort (cellist Oliver Aldort, Show 126) cautions against forcing a child into something they may not want to do:

It is best not to manipulate a child to do what he does not want to do. The result is usually that he hates it even more. He may be not practicing because of feeling pressured and not feeling that it is his own project.

I suggest two possibilities. One is to look in a different musical direction, like another instrument or teacher. Maybe no lessons for a while, so he can fall in love with music on his own…Alternatively, you could let go and stop his lessons because as long as it is a struggle, he will be driven away from it. Letting it go will not “waste his talent.” On the contrary, it will give him the  opportunity to tap into it on his own volition.

Another approach could include recruiting help outside the immediate family. Sean Robbins’ (slack key guitarist on Show 210) mom Vicky wrote:

Let other adults in the child’s life know the situation and have them encourage the child as well. Sometimes ideas coming from someone other than a parent make more of an impression! Especially for a 13 year old. As always though, continue to feed and inspire a passion for music. After all, what would the world be like without it?!

Sarah Odhner, mother of violinist Ben from Show 158, shared her family’s experience with this type of problem:

When one of our sons was sixteen he gravitated to non-musical activities and really did not want to practice viola. Nagging teens quickly turns toxic, so my husband and I decided to put him on a “six week plan”. We outlined a minimal amount of practicing that we expected and told him that we would not be giving him any reminders to practice. I quietly noted his approximate practice times each week and asked him to do the same. At the end of the six weeks he had not fulfilled the minimum requirement and he dropped the instrument. He still loves music and is set to complete a doctorate in chemistry within the next few months.

Ultimately pursuing music has to be a person’s own life-choice. It demands tremendous strength of character and the ability to perform in front of others under many circumstances. Not every talented person wants to do this.

And sometimes it just comes down to the language of the heart:

My two very different musically gifted children have taught me that if the child feels the emotional expression then playing and practicing that instrument will be about learning and perfecting the language of the heart. Playing will have more meaning than practicing just to be good. The best musicians, children and adults, are the one whose heads, hearts, and bodies are all connected in the musical expression with their instrument. What my children did with their musical talent and abilities was not about ME, it was about me understanding them, accepting them, providing support for them, and, their own musical journeys. No musical talent is ever wasted, it may just not take the form we want it to take for the child, and I as a parent, had to be okay with that.

-Judy Merritt, mother of double bassist Edward from Show 100

What do you think? How far is too far when it comes to pushing kids into music?

Blogger Katheryn Rivas approached us with an idea that we adapted for The Parents’ Perspective. Katheryn wrote an article (below) about Amy Chua, a Yale Law School professor who recently published her parenting memoir “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” You may have heard of it, or seen the Wall Street Journal article about her parenting methods.

We asked our Parents’ Perspective contributors to read Katheryn’s article and react to the tactics Amy used with her daughter Lulu, a young pianist.  There are many perspectives on this subject and we hope this provokes further conversation.  What do you think about Amy’s tactics? Comment below and keep the dialogue going!

Part 1: Should Parents Go “Tiger Mom” on Their Musical Kids?
By Katheryn Rivas

Amy Chua, a Yale Law School professor who has received an enormous amount of media attention following the publication of her parenting memoir “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” is now nothing short of a household name.

An article that appeared in the Wall Street Journal excerpting her memoir and detailing her strict parenting methods garnered over 7,000 comments, mostly negative, and became the most talked about article ever published in the Wall Street Journal online.

One anecdote from the excerpt described how Chua forced her seven-year-old daughter to practice playing a particularly tricky piano piece until she got it right. Chua tried insults, threats, and finally, she noted:

“I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn’t let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

“Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing just like that.

“Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.”

Chua uses this anecdote to reinforce the notion that children, not yet having developed self-discipline, should have it foisted upon them by their parents. She argues, “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.”

Cultural stereotypes aside, is there something to be said for parents who go to seemingly extreme measures to nurture their children’s musical talents? As unpleasant as it may be to get young children to practice, will taking coercive measures now, as Chua advises, mean that your children will thank you for it later?

In his blog entry “Tiger Mothers and the Future of Classical Music,” renowned computer programmer and writer Charles Petzold argues that the dedication required to achieve a high performance level in classical music necessitates forceful parenting.

He notes, “I’m sure the process creates some emotional wrecks. But most of the students that I’ve seen on stage exhibit a great deal of joy in the music and take pleasure in their ability to play it. I now have the nagging thought in my head that if classical music survives as a vital living performance tradition, we have Tiger Mothers to thank.”

What do you think? Should parents of musically talented children take pushy or coercive measures in getting them to sit down and practice? Is there such a thing as going too far when it comes to playing classical music at a highly competitive level? Is there a real connection between successful musicians and strict/pushy parents?

This guest contribution was submitted by Katheryn Rivas, who specializes in writing about online universities. Questions and comments can be sent to: katherynrivas87@gmail.com.

Part 2: From the Top Parent Reactions

From Barbara Nakazawa:

I truly believe that the Wall Street Journal article was a great way for her to sell her book! Upon reading the follow up to that article in subsequent weeks, I do not believe that she tortured her kids. Her relationship and personality must have allowed her to seemingly humiliate her kids. I prefer rewards (extrinsic motivation) to threats but that could be because it is my personality and parenting style.

Limiting sleepovers and other activities is a must. I agree. One sleepover would set my son back for days and actually make playing sports dangerous. Oh…yes, playing sports..perhaps that was on her not to do list. I actually went against the norm on that and allowed sports. I thought it actually helped my son “get his energy out” and focus better.

I can feel Amy’s exasperation as she tried to get her daughter to learn the Ibert piece. Her daughter ripped up her music as my son once wacked me, somewhat jokingly, with his bow when the hair popped out! Encouraging and helping our kids push through difficult intellectual, musical, technical moments might just give them strength in their lives to push themselves through all sorts of difficult times. We, parents, just try to do the best we can. My parental recommendation is to get away with as much as you can while you can!

Barbara is a flute teacher in Massachusetts. For more information on her studio, please visit www.newtonfluteteacher.com

From Naomi Aldort:

Manipulative parenting breeds emotional suffering, whether seen on the outside or not. Dependency on parental approval, fear of lack of it, fear of failing and anxiety to fulfill parental expectations, are the source of confusion, depression, suicide, addictions, unhappiness, inability to trust, aggression and illness.

In addition, a person growing up oppressed is unlikely to be the musician who emotional expression delivers in concert halls. We must raise musicians who use music to express themselves with the music alone being the discipline. They must have the egos out of the way. Being concerned with pleasing and being the best, hinders such musical and emotional freedom.

Obviously, Lulu might not even like the piano. While being so busy fulfilling her mother’s dream, she has no awareness of her own aspirations. She is becoming a sheep.

However, there is merit in Chua’s criticism of hands off parenting attitude…If you confuse freedom with doing nothing, then, yes, you may want to consider taking a more proactive direction with your children, in music and otherwise. But you need not resort to control and coercion. It is possible to raise children who strive for excellence of their own. In fact, it is their nature to do so.

©Copyright Naomi Aldort. You can read the full text of Naomi’s article on Amy Chua here. Naomi is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines worldwide.

From Vicky Robbins:

Wow, what a different way of looking at how to learn!  I would be very interested in Amy Chua’s daughters’ view on the subject when they are adults. They must surely be aware of both Chinese and Western cultures.  She certainly gives proof that strong arm tactics work. Certainly there is a cultural difference and maybe one needs to be brought up that way and within that culture to understand.

From my cultural perspective, (to use Amy Chua’s terminology “western parent”) put-downs and name calling is counter-productive. I prefer to use positive example, mentoring and a supportive atmosphere. At times, my son seems to respond better to me and other times from my husband or a teacher.  My way is to guide, to model,  to show the way and provide opportunities. Because as Ms. Chua says, “Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them.” I believe the same.

These are two very different methods of motivation towards achieving goals. I acknowledge that humiliation and shame can be powerful motivators and I choose a more intrinsic way as opposed to outward coercion.

From Susie Wuest:

I disagree with the notion that children on their own never want to work. My son Eric was motivated within himself [very competitive with only himself, not others] to succeed in music. He was brought up in a structured environment so that there was time for music, and he turned out to be a very well-rounded individual which had always been my goal. If having strict/pushy parents is what it takes to be a child prodigy, then I do feel sorry for the child. Yes, they might be very successful but at what cost? What is the rest of their life like? I would not wish forceful parents like Amy Chua on any child.

From Charlotte Kufchak:

No matter what we do in life, hard work is required to be successful.
That’s a great lesson to learn. BUT, it should be accompanied by nurturing
love, respect, lots of hugs, and care for the whole child. I agree with
some points of this article, but strongly disagree with the more negative
ones.

Thanks to all the parents who contributed to this post! It’s a very interesting topic and we’d like to continue the discussion, so please leave your thoughts in a comment below!

Being a parent of a young musician certainly isn’t easy, especially when confronted with the choice of sending your child to school or allowing them to compete in a competition that may further their musical career. Below are opinions, personal stories, and advice from parents of From the Top alums. There are many perspectives on this subject and we hope this provokes further conversation. Please feel free to comment below and keep the dialogue going.

At Times, Skipping School Was Ok For Us

Judy Merritt (Edward Merritt, double bass, Show 100)

If either of my children had to miss school for the sake of music, I always arranged with their teachers that the children could somehow get credit for the musical work; they always were required by us (the parents) to make up tests, etc. Missing/skipping school for the sake of music was simply okay with us, so long as all responsibilities were taken care of. He missed school only a couple times a year and it always seemed to be beneficial academically and musically.

Vicky Robbins (Sean Robbins, slack key guitar, Show 210)

Whenever Sean did take time off from school, it was always for the sake of music! It may have been for a special workshop with a master teacher or to perform. Another reason he missed a day of school was to provide Arts Leadership in his community by visiting 4th grade classrooms at a local elementary school. He talked about his instrument, played and answered students’ questions. Skipping school only happens for a good musical reason and it definitely makes him a better student, musician and person.

Susie Wuest (Eric Wuest, violin, Show 030)

Skipping school was never really an issue with Eric. There were a few times Eric was excused for a local concert and there was one year when I needed to arrange for Eric to take a NYS Regent’s exam at another school so that he could start the Tanglewood summer program on time. Fortunately, school was very easy for Eric so it was not hard for him to make up anything he missed. But generally he didn’t want to miss classes.

Achieving Balance Between Academics and Music is Necessary

Emmanuel Cabezas (Gabriel Cabezas, cello, Shows 128, 155, 192, and 217)

Both my wife and I, in concurrence with Gabriel, felt strongly that both schoolwork and music-related responsibilities should be honored and completed fully to the extent of one’s ability (all this while keeping social development active).

In missing school to pursue a music opportunity, we found that Gabriel learned other valuable lessons:

- A strong relationship developed between school administrators, teachers and Gabriel concerning the matter of keeping up with learning effectively, completing assignments timely and efficiently, and enjoying the school experience socially.

- A sound understanding of responsibility and accountability became part of Gabriel’s daily life. In order to perform, he had to keep up with his school-related work; and in order to attend public school, he had to prepare for his concerts efficiently.

- Gabriel’s organizational skills strengthened acutely as time passed and he learned the skills necessary to balance the scholarly duties with the music-related requirements of his life, and to eventually unite them fully into his current endeavor: continuing to learn and perform at a music conservatory.

Skipping for the sake of music, when necessary, actually prepared Gabriel for undertaking higher education and continuing his development as an aspiring musician.

Karen Willett (Adam Birdsall, piano, Shows 082 and 144)

Even though my son’s piano instructor encouraged it, my son never skipped school just to prepare for a competition or recital. The only time he missed school was if we needed to travel for a competition, and that was only a few times a year. When my son was in junior high we needed to sit down and talk through this. On one hand his instructor, who he greatly admired, was telling him school wasn’t as important as piano. But on the other hand his parents were telling him school was very important, and that we could make both work.

During all of high school he took college level math courses at the University outside of his regular school day. He was a 4.0 student, National Merit Finalist, etc. He was also very involved in the extracurricular programs of Destination Imagination and Future Problem Solving (both are creative problem solving programs), so much so he competed at the international level in both. With this level of commitment outside of his regular public school schedule, time was dear. We tried to teach him to use it well.

During the spring months there are lots of competitions in both piano and creative problem solving programs. Year after year, some of them fell on the same day. It didn’t seem to affect him too much; he usually placed well or won in both. We were trying to teach him the importance of both in his life.

As a parent I often agonized over these decisions. Would my son crash and burn under the pressure? Are we making good choices? I kept my eyes and ears and heart open, and responded if problems arose. Luckily for us, problems were few, and my son thrived.

I think what we chose to do was right for our child. That doesn’t mean it is right for every child. He is currently in his third year of a double degree program in classical piano performance and chemistry. By insisting on keeping school a priority during elementary, middle and high school while studying piano we set him up with the confidence he would need to handle it at the college level.

Wishing Schools Had Been More Accommodating

Jasmine Moghissi (Dominic Favia, trumpet, Show 215)

Dominic has done things like local honor bands, national competitions, From the Top, the National Symphony Orchestra Youth Fellowship Program, and various music conferences over the years, all of which take him out of school. Last year, as a junior he missed a total of an entire month. Although he was taking a heavy load of classes (4 AP) and most of his grades were A’s, he really struggled through the year to keep up. His teachers did not support him at all. For instance, when he went to From the Top, his AP English teacher gave him the assignments to complete while he was gone (which he did). When he returned she told him she had changed her mind, and assigned something else to the class, and she expected the new assignment to be completed in the next few days.

Dominic is a strong student and very conscientious, and works very hard to participate. We, as parents, have worked hard to make sure he continues with his academics, to give him more options in the future. You’d think his teachers would assist in that, rather than try to make his life more difficult. It would be very easy for him to take easy classes and just drift through high school.

Music is what he wants to do for the rest of his life. By allowing him to “skip” school, he is able to learn many other things that will assist him in his future career. I now see why many musicians are home-schooled, but that was just not an option for us. I am very disappointed that a school system that prides itself on achievement is not more accommodating to kids who are obviously high achievers, and still want to learn.

Home-Schooling Was the Way to Go

Naomi Aldort (Oliver Aldort, cello, Show 126)
Author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

I never thought missing school is a problem. To me, anything a child does in freedom amounts to much greater education than being indoctrinated in a school.

My own sons never went to school. Not only did it do no harm, it actually spared them much harm caused by school and helped them to be self-directed and loving to learn and to practice of their own free will. I did not have to monitor their practice or studies.

At age sixteen, Oliver was accepted to Colburn School of Music (college level) where he currently studies. Since he never went to school, he had to pass the GED tests in order to apply. He studied on his own for three weeks and passed them all. He is not an academic genius. Rather, what they teach in school over 12 years is very little. It takes so long in school because it goes against the learning nature of the child. Teaching in groups, against the will of the children and in ways and set ups that don’t fit their brain, timing and inner drive, is very difficulty and unproductive.

Oliver is a shining student whose main passion is music and he is consumed by it and is interested in everything, i.e. learning all the times. He thrives on high demand because he was never forced to take lessons or to practice. He goes on his own to every concert he can, and studies way more than what is being asked of him. His love of learning is alive because he was never forced to.
©Copyright Naomi Aldort

Today’s topic is on practicing: How’d you get your kids to do it? What schedule worked best for you? Was it easy or difficult to get your child to practice? We received a wealth of feedback from parents, and also had guest blogger and piano teacher Maria Rainier weigh in. Enjoy!

Patrick McGuire

A structured practice schedule is helpful!

Roberta McGuire says: “On weekdays, when people have to rise early for work the next day, finishing practicing before 10pm at the latest worked best in our household.  Sometimes, Patrick would practice in between the starting of other subjects’ homework – Practicing seemed to serve as a break from the homework.”

Susie Wuest remembers “Eric would race home from school to practice then and often again after supper.  I think he was bored in school, and the violin presented him with a challenge.  Eric was very athletic and liked to be busy — gymnastics, tennis, baseball, or just playing with friends.  I always made sure that time was saved for practicing everyday.”

Maintaining Motivation

Barbara Nakazawa says “For the young musician a calendar with a sticker reward chart shows a visual form of success. After a certain number of stickers the student receives some type of reward. In my studio I have a prize box.  If it is your child, perhaps going out for ice cream, a movie, or a little toy that they are looking for may be more suitable.  Always remember that happy and proud is the bottom line. As a parent your job is to help make practicing joyful and fun. Laughter is ok too!”

Barbara is a flute teacher in Massachusetts. For more information on her studio, please visit www.newtonfluteteacher.com

Charlotte Kufchak used a creative and unique approach when it came to maintaining practice schedules: “We bought two sizes of dried beans and some sparkly paint. We had a lot of fun making the beans as colorful and pretty as possible. Then we paid the kids in beans for practicing. It was great – we never ran out of ‘cash’.

Each large bean was equal to 10 small beans. (There were some math lessons in there too). Each quarter-hour of practicing was worth a certain number of beans. Each child could save, exchange, or spend their beans as they liked – we had a list of prizes. Examples were special treats, legos, $5 deposit in their bank account, a symphony concert. The beauty of it is that it can be tailored to each child’s needs, each family’s budget and priorities. And, the kids were willing to practice!”

Guest blogger/piano teacher Maria Rainier advises: “Having mid-year and end-of-year recitals can be a huge motivator for practicing. Students get excited about performing for family and friends, which means that they’re happy to practice more and make the big moment even more impressive. Just make sure that your students aren’t too nervous and that they don’t try to put in excessive practice hours just before the recitals. Practice burn-out makes recital performances flop and discourages students, contributing to the idea that practice doesn’t increase success. It always helps to talk to your students about their feelings and apprehensions before recitals.”

Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education, researching areas of online degree programs. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

The Suzuki Approach

Judy Merritt has had great success with the Suzuki approach: “The practice went through phases because it was a Suzuki approach, which requires active parent involvement on all levels. That means that when both Ted and Emma started music at age 4, every Saturday was a full morning of Solfedge, Eurhythmics, private and group lessons, and performances at the end of a semester at City Music Center at Duquesne University. Every evening was practice that we structured as parents until Ted and Emma were around 12, at that point they took over.”

Other Words of Advice

Roberta McGuire: The desire to improve needs to come from the child and can’t be forced. The best thing a parent can do to be supportive is to relax, support the child the best they can with a practice space, the materials they need and let the private teacher set the expectations and ground rules.  If you try to force them to practice, the extra stress will only discourage them.  A better strategy is to let the private teacher do the “heavy lifting”.

Sean Robbins

Vicky Robbins says, “Since my son (Sean Robbins) plays traditional Hawaiian slack-key guitar, his teachers were very flexible, informal and encouraging. He would learn new repertoire then practice on his own until he became more comfortable playing the pieces he’d learned. Performing at informal gatherings was also a way to become more skilled, while at the same time improving his comfort level in front of an audience. (Something that came in handy for his From the Top appearance!)”

Barbara Nakazawa: “I teach a practicing method called “the three penny practice.” (Be sure to have a jar of pennies in your possession.) You put three pennies on the left side of the stand. On a troublesome measure that you are “practicing” you play it once and if you get it right, you put the penny on the right side of the stand. You play it again and get it right, you put the next penny on the right side of the stand. You play it again and miss a note or rhythm, then all three pennies get put to the left. You must play the measure correctly three times in a row in order to keep the pennies.  The next step is to connect the troublesome measure to the measure before it and continue playing.  This teaches a student how to practice and not just simply play through something once.

Maria Rainier: “Warming up is an important part of practicing and should be the first thing on each week’s assignment sheet. For example, you might have a set of index cards with different warm-ups written on them for students to choose when they come in for their lessons. Many students enjoy having a role in their own instruction, so allowing them to pick a card from the stack makes all the difference. You can easily copy the cards from your studio and send some home with your students for their daily practice warm-ups. This establishes consistency between home and the studio, helping students to feel both more serious and more comfortable about their practice sessions.”

Thanks again to all our awesome parents out there who helped with this blog. We are currently looking for ideas for our next topic in this blog series! If you have ideas or a certain subject you’d like to hear more on, please email Eleanor.

Today’s topic: Your kid wants to study an instrument – now what? Our parent panel gives some tips on finding music teachers.

Word of mouth can be a very powerful tool!

Gabriel Cabezas, 2007

Emmanuel Cabezas remembers, “After Gabriel went through most of the Suzuki program, his teacher suggested a traditional teacher who also performed with a symphony orchestra.  Once Gabriel studied with him for a couple of years, he in turn suggested another teacher from a university.”

Roberta McGuire says, “Word of mouth referrals from trusted and respected sources can help shorten the time in finding what you are looking for. When shopping around for an instrument, you should ask your teacher to help out with the assessment of each so that you get the instrument that best fits your child at that given point in time.”

Barbara Nakazawa advises, “School band and orchestra teachers tend to know the better private instrumental teachers so they are a great source.”

Use the Internet!

“The Internet has made it possible for us all to see what is available in music stores, music schools for classes, teachers, sheet music and music related supplies.”  – Roberta McGuire

Some online resources you may find helpful:

MTNA – Music Teachers National Association

NAMM – National Association of Music Merchants

NAMM Foundation: Best Communities for Music Education

MENC – The National Association for Music Education

National Guild for Community Arts Education

*Many states have music teacher associations. Try a Google search with your state or city + music teachers.

Additional Words of Advice:

From Barbara Nakazawa:

“Finding the right teacher for your child is very important. It’s not only the material that is taught and technique, it has to be the right personality match. Most teachers offer a trial lesson.  A good teacher should be able to direct their student to the appropriate orchestra/band auditions and help with suggestions for instruments, supplies, etc.”

From Roberta McGuire:

“You don’t want to swap [teachers] a lot because it would disrupt the continuity in learning. The other key element in the teacher search process (when you are switching from one teacher to another) is to be honest with your wish to make a change.  No one appreciates being blind sighted and a burnt bridge can never be a helpful one in the future!  Honesty is always the best policy!”

If your child’s school has an orchestra or a band program, encourage them to join up. Through that experience, they will start to make friends with other like-minded students and you will start to build a network of musical friends to connect with.

Scales:  They do matter! Nobody likes to play their scales, but they do help with ear training, so one way to get your scales into your practice routine is to start with your scales! Your sound quality will improve and your teacher will love you for it!

From Naomi Aldort:

“We parents are gullible when it comes to talent. We tend to live our own dreams of glory through our children. Unfortunately children sense it and will go on the path of our dream, missing their own, if we are not careful. They will look happy and we will be fooled to think that they love the lessons, when what they really love is to please us and be the sunshine of our dreams. Eventually this becomes old and the child’s search for herself collides with her need to please her parents or other adults. Depression is one of the most common results of such inner confusion.

Oliver Aldort on From the Top, 2005

Therefore, I often recommend offering music education to a child without formal lessons.  Not offering lessons does not meant not nurturing the child’s talent. On the contrary, when not relying on a weekly teacher to do the job, you take more responsibility and the child learns a whole lot more. I offered such “home lessons” to my children, and by the time they started to study with teachers, they were already reading notes and skillful with the fundamentals of rhythms, tonality, chords, and feeling the music. They were also freely improvising and totally passionate about music. Instead of a weekly or bi-weekly lessons, their musical learning occurred a few times per day, every day of the week. I avoided praise so their love of music stayed authentic and not confused with pleasing me.”

Naomi Aldort is the author of, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves and the mother of two musicians. Her advice columns are published in progressive parenting magazines worldwide. Aldort offers guidance and counseling by phone/Skype internationally regarding all ages, babies through teens: attachment parenting; natural learning; peaceful and powerful parent-child relationships and more. Products, counseling, and free newsletter: www.authenticparent.com

Please feel free to comment below with questions or your own personal stories! We’d love to hear from you.

This is the first blog in what we hope will be an on-going series.

Musical beginnings: How do you know your child is ready to study an instrument & are you ready to help them? Whether or not you have any musical background, our parents share why studying music is a family affair.

Barbara Nakazawa is a musician and teacher, but she looked to her son Joshua for signs he was interested:

Josh, age 6

“Starting at age three, I dragged him to one of my community orchestra rehearsals (I’m a flutist)…After a few weeks he got to be friendly with the cellists and trombonists as they sat near him.

One day he said, ”Mommy, I need a cello.”  I gave him the whole lecture about need vs. want and told him that he was too young…He was persistent as is his nature and just to change the subject I told him, “Tomorrow after nursery school we will go home and call a cello teacher.” The following day when I picked him up from nursery school I asked him if he wanted to go to Toys R Us and he said, “No, Mommy, you promised that we would go right home and call a cello teacher.” Twenty-one years later he is now a professional cellist.”

Emmanuel Cabezas says that his son Gabriel’s journey through music has been shared by their family:

Gabriel Cabezas

“We could tell Gabriel had an affinity to sound, movement and music from an early age.  I grew up among musicians, mostly pianists and violinists, and could tell Gabriel was inherently interested in it.  I played the piano for many years and took lessons at my family’s conservatory in San José, Costa Rica.  Historically, my family has not encouraged a young child to study music until he/she expresses sincere interest and commitment, as Gabriel did.

If I could take the liberty to express my perception of my wife Mary’s entrance into the world of music without much preliminary experience, I’d say she took it with much courage and enthusiasm, learning from every opportunity and developing a keen sense of musical appreciation and knowledge.  What I admired the most about Mary is her unconditional support toward Gabriel without being over protective (what is commonly referred to as “stage mothering”).  Gabriel’s journey through music has provided Mary with an extraordinary insight in an area that she naturally loves and intrinsically understands (albeit without any practical background).”

Roberta McGuire is not  a musician, but she had a general knowledge of music that helped her when Patrick started out:

Patrick McGuire

“I am not a musician, but I did study a few instruments while growing up. This gave me an appreciation for music and the ability to appreciate the work involved in learning to play an instrument and to learn new pieces on that instrument. Studying the piano helped me when my child was starting out on piano and on his other instruments…The basics were the same, i.e. being able to read the music, to fine tune the notes so that they are in tune, etc. i.e. age appropriate critical listening skills.  What was different in each was the method of producing the sound.

I sat in on the private lessons for a few years and by doing that, I learned a lot about the approach and about the instrument.

I don’t think you need to be a musician in order to help your child learn an instrument. Being a parent musician is obviously helpful, but not a must.  What you do need is the ability to ask questions and know where to obtain the information you need. There is help out there. So, don’t be afraid to ask.”

Susie Wuest wanted to give Eric the chance she never had:

Eric, 1991

“I had grown up very involved in athletics [figure skating] and there was never the time nor money for me to learn to play an instrument, something I felt that I had missed out on.  So after my two children were born, I decided that I would give them that musical opportunity.  My daughter started with piano, and when it was time for her brother Eric [two years younger] to maybe start an instrument at age 6, he…decided on violin since his father had played violin through junior high and still owned a violin.

It worked out well that my husband was musical so he could tune Eric’s violin strings in between lessons and after a short time Eric was able to play duets with him.  Once Eric realized that he could read music, he started going through his father’s stash of old violin etude books and sheet music.  That early beginning with reading music turned into a great strength for him.

I was a stay-at-home mom so I was able to plan his days so that there was always time for both practice violin and other activities.  It was almost never a question about practicing.  It was not “IF” but “WHEN.” I feel that I handled venturing into this new territory because there were many parallels to my skating days in practicing, learning, and performing.  I think that I was able to offer Eric non-musical advice through analogies to my skating life.”

Next time, we explore how to find the right resources to support your child in their musical studies. Please feel free to comment below with questions or your own personal stories! We’d love to hear from you.